Wizard's Blog

I mostly grew up in big cities.  Big cities have a reputation for being rude.  I think the impression of rudeness has to do with how strangers treat each other.

In a big city, when two strangers walk past each other in the street they don’t acknowledge each other at all, whereas in a small town they’re more likely to give eye contact, smile and say hi.  I prefer the big city way of doing things, at least partially because it lets me avoid something I call “glance jousting”.

Glance jousting is a game involuntarily played by all strangers who walk past each other.  Like a lot of things in life, it’s very easy to lose and very difficult to win.

Basically here’s how glance jousting works – you’re walking down the street and a stranger is walking towards you.  You both pretend the other person doesn’t exist until the very last second, and then you both do something.  If you both do the same thing then you both win, otherwise you both lose.  On the up side, both the prize for winning and the penalty for losing are extremely transitory – either you get a brief flash of feeling good or feeling bad.

Here are some losing scenarios:

• The other person tries to make eye contact and you don’t, or you try to make eye contact and the other person doesn’t
• The other person smiles and you don’t, or you smile and the other person doesn’t
• The other person nods and you don’t, or you nod and the other person doesn’t
• The other person greets you and you don’t respond, or you greet the other person and they don’t respond

Here are some winning scenarios:

• You ignore each other
• You both make eye contact
• You both smile
• You both nod
• One of you greets the other, who responds in kind

The verbal greeting is the only one that you don’t need to do simultaneously, because if you both spoke at the same time that would be another losing scenario.  However as you only have a split second to respond, you need to be ready to speak in case the other person does.  Note that verbal greetings are only appropriate in some cultures, so I never initiate in case of an unexpected losing scenario.

It’s possible that you’ve been playing this game your whole life without realizing it because you’re not aware of a good feeling prize/bad feeling penalty.  If so, it’s possible you’re a sociopath – seek help immediately.

There are subtleties for the advanced player – if you both smile but one of you smiles more or less than the other person, that could be a losing scenario.  To a certain extent these subtleties are culturally defined, and in some cultures anything short of a successful full greeting is considered a losing scenario.  If you live in one of these cultures my advice to you is to move to a big city.

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